Princess E

It’s embarrassing to admit but yesterday was the first time I’ve ever mowed the lawn! I had never really done any type of yard work either. I’ve never really pushed myself or been willing to give 100 percent and have actively avoided having new experiences. I’ve very much liked staying in my comfort zone as I had self convinced myself that being comfortable and having an easy life was safe. That my comfort zone was safe. Because of this I have realized how much I’ve stunted my growth throughout my life. I have created tension towards simple task like mowing the lawn not because it was challenging but simply because I had never done it before and had created a block around it.

Growing up I actively avoided doing any type of hard work and did not like the get myself out of my comfort zone I would rather lay on the couch and watch tv then to have a new experience that might have made me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable or out of control. Which is something that followed me into my adult life.

I’ve been very entitled and never wanted to give of my energy just wanted to take from others so I would get other people to do things for me.

I grew up with a hyper controlling, ocd and micromanaging parent which made me actively want to avoid doing task with them. I never helped in the kitchen, did yard work, cleaned, took out the trash or did the dishes.

The thing is a actually really enjoyed mowing the lawn! And while I was doing it I was thinking about how many other tasks that I’ve never done/ actively avoided and created tension around. My pattern is that once Ive avoided something for so long I have a really hard time reaching for it. It’s as though the tension is to thick and I self convince myself that it’s out of reach. Even though that’s absolutely not true and simple a story I created to make myself feel better.

I'm attempting to shift my mentality to how can I get out of my comfort zone? Which, let’s be honest here is not something that I would normally do or a mentality that I’ve had in the past. Maybe that’s the point? To create something new you have to be willing to show up differently. And trust me I want to create something new! I’m tired of learning the harshest life lessons and getting rugs pulled out from under me and having rashes take over my face and body as a last resort wake up call to try and envoke change which did just happen again recently (a story for another day).

I’ve very much limited myself.

I’ve stunted my growth.

I’ve lacked a lot of life experiences.

I let myself sit infront of the tv instead of truly living my life.

I was fine with a lacklustre and disconnected, dissociated life.

Well, not anymore. I’m sharing myself, my truth, my experiences + lack there of, my voice, humbling myself and calling myself out and I’m doing this to hopefully inspire others to look at themselves as hard as it may be. It’s been hard to see myself and how I’ve acted and treated others. I’ve been very self serving, selfish, and quite narcissistic at times.

Now being a mom I really want to empower my son and to teach him by example and invite him into daily task from a young age. I want to lead by example and encourage him to try new things and to be willing to give of himself. I want him to be excited to give and be involved! I want him to know how exciting it is the try new things and have new experiences and how good it feels to give to others.

I’ve always made excuses and made other people do things for me hence the title princess E and at 35 I’m finally learning how to give of myself and to give back.

I’m learning.