August 4, 2020

The Dark Sister

The dark sister.

Suppressing emotions not only makes you numb and dumb it also creates different pathways and personalities which is something that I’ve done my whole life. From a very early age I didn’t want to see what was going on: in my home, in the world in my life so I started to take on different personas and personalities. I’ve never been the real me. I never got to know her or nurtured her and have gone my whole life up until now living in a void literally avoiding all of experiences, trauma and emotions. A true void of self. I have an early memory of seeing a little girl twirling, dancing and playing in a crowd of people. In the moment I remember being shy, ridged and hiding behind my parents. I stood there staring at the little girl wishing it was me it and feeling so foreign and rejected in my own body to make any moves let alone to run up to her and dance with her which is what I really wanted to do. I was jealous, envious and sad. I remember even recreating the outfit that she was wearing so I could be more like her. I think I was 5. This is where it all began and this is when I started to clone and take on other peoples personalities. I was little and I didn’t understand what I was doing- it was a survival mechanism to keep myself safe and alive. This is when the little monster started to shape. I then remember by best friend when I was 8: I can see us running around playing and I’m wearing the same outfit as her. Copying her clothes her likes and dislikes. When we are young we are meant to experience, to learn and to create ourselves out of nothing. To create magic. This is something that I robbed myself of at a very early age and continued to do so through my life. You see if we don’t allow our cellves to SEE and FEEL we end up in a sense dementing ourself. Through all of my cloning of other people and friends I’ve robbed myself of my true life and the real version of me that was meant to fly, flourish, create and thrive. I can see this now and I am calling out those versions of myself that I’ve created that are not me. I’ve created a lot of different personas and have acted like a victim in my life due to the circumstances

Of always holding myself back in every area of my life. There’s an internal battle when you are not yourself there’s that inner knowing that you are doing something wrong.. that twisting of your guts. (No wonder I ended up with a gut ailment.) Deep down I’ve always known something is wrong with the way that I’ve acted but one of my personas that I created was the avoidant, entitled didn’t want to do anything for myself little princess. This is the personality where I refuse to look at what’s in front of me. I make myself numb and dumb so that I don’t have to FEEL what’s truly happening in and around me. I shut down my emotions and I run on empty. Survival. I’m speaking about this to heal and to share my experience. Maybe someone can relate and I see that it’s all rooted back in trauma and survival. That doesn’t make it right just because it’s kept me alive.

I’ve hurt a lot of people and have taken a lot that isn’t mine. On an energetic level how much do you think it would drain someone to have a friend who is constantly taking from them (cloning them) that would be so draining on every level. Now, what would that do to someone who is emotionally intelligent and who has been working on herself for 7 years, constantly tuning into her higher self and building her relationship with her soul/ true self. Complete energy vampire. This is what I did to Stacey. I always rejected myself and I cloned others. Especially her who is he most authentic person and energetically sensitive and aware person I’ve ever met. I cloned her business, her life, her likes and dislikes, personality, persona, clothing. I’ve always been her clone. This energy vampiring got so bad that she would feel so drained around me. My energy stole from her energy so much that her body started to shut down and she needed up almost dying (same thing that later happened to me) the guilt I felt for what I did and was doing to her made her more sick.

We have to see that taking someone’s energy can be detrimental to their health. Our words, thoughts, actions and intentions all have energy. We are either charging up or depleting. Just because we ‘love’ someone doesn’t mean we aren’t hurting them with the underlying energy that is involved. How many people can relate to feeling completely drained around a certain person, situation, place. We can feel when we are being charged and when we are being depleted. I take responsibility for being an energy vampire.

In my experience it wasn’t done with mal intent but with a lack or truth and self awareness. A lack of emotional intelligence. It was the energy. I wanted what she had because I felt she was better then me but also felt like I wasn’t good enough AND better then. Talk about a contradiction belief system. I’m working through a lot of contradictions in my belief systems and am going to be AIRING a lot more out. All with the intention of healing and being open and authentic + taking responsibility for myself and my actions and beliefs. I chose not to judge myself and I chose to forgive and integrate those ‘dark’ parts of myself. I am no longer willing to hide or to be someone I’m not or CLONE anymore. My mission now is to get to know the real me and nurture her with love and acceptance. I am becoming whole and taking off all the masks that I’ve used to keep me alive until now. My masks will no longer keep me alive- my truth will.

#Settingselffree

Written August 4, 2020