August 5, 2020

Obsessed with the drama

CONTINUED:

As I stopped talking to my ex and took space for myself I received an email from him very ‘loving’ saying that he knows that I’m dealing with a lot and to take my time talking to him knowing that I need space. That same day he sent cops to Stacey and Johny’s old address (which I never gave him) looking for me as though I was a missing person. At this time I had decided to leave Toronto and never go back to a relationship, home and life that was killing me. I chose me. I finally opened my eyes to all the cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, obsession, codependency, and sexual abuse that was happening and that my rose coloured glasses were preventing me from seeing. I was obsessed with him and in love with someone I couldn’t stand. I always chose him over me, I constantly gave my power and body away when I didn’t want to and was an empty shell of a woman. Never once did I mention anything about my relationship to any of my friends giving no one any insight to what was happening and only pretending that everything was perfect. We manipulated each other both pretending to be people were weren’t. Being on the outside looking in I could finally see. The veil was lifted and I could finally see how skewed the sexual energy was in our relationship. Weekly I would get in trouble for not meeting his needs (I was sick and dying and had no sex drive, no water, no emotion) I would be guilted saying that he needed sex. Throughout our whole relationship he would pressure me into sex when I didn’t want to and I would eventually give in and completely disassociate from my body and my mind and emotions. The pressure was intense and I would get myself into situations that made me feel extremely comfortable. I did it because I loved him but wasn’t loving myself. I also chose him over me and would give in even though I had said no ten times. Then there was the cheating and looking back now I shake myself for not allowing myself to see it sooner. There were women’s clothing found in my home and some of my clothing and jewelry went missing, I found condoms in his backpack even though we didn’t use them and one morning he went missing downstairs for over a half hour claiming the was doing laundry in his underwear when he though I was asleep. Part of me always knew but it was the same part of me who didn’t want to be touched and wanted to be left alone. I said nothing but my body kept the score and bubbles on angry rashes all over my body. My water and emotions dried up from the constant energy that I was taking on from all his other partners during sex. My sexual drive completely vanished now understanding it was protecting my physical body. There were multiple women. They were in my bed. The same bed where I lied awake at night scratching myself to death and couldn’t get out on the morning. There was a tracking device found on my phone and I was trained to always tell him when I was coming home. On an energetic level he was stealing from me of all of my energy completely draining me on every level. My body knew even though my head was in the clouds.

This is where karma visited me full circle and this manifested into my life based on my previous actions. I believe in like=like and the law of energy and I can see fully now how much I had to do in attracting this lesson. I was a very fake person in Toronto and wore a lot of masks. I dressed all in black with my hair curled and a pair of booties on everyday. I dressed like a fashion blogger and felt extremely insecure in my body and would have anxiety leaving the house. I couldn’t even go to the cafe to get a coffee or do groceries unless I was done up without feeling extremely insecure and uncomfortable in my body. I looked perfect and wore the perfect mask until my beauty started to fade and my body started to die. I could no longer survive in this fake life and fake relationship.

So as I decided to leave Toronto and never go back I shared with my parent all the truth that I could muster. Complete vulnerability about my illness (which I hadn’t shared with them before as I didn’t want to add more drama to my condition) my relationship, my feelings and how I wouldn’t be going back to Toronto but would be leaving Canada to travel in Columbia and offer yoga and retreats out there with Stacey and Johny. That conversation of full truth shook them and they thought I was losing my mind as I had never been so open and vulnerable with them before.. never allowing them into my life and my emotions like that. My ex and my parents, brother and a few old friends got dragged into the drama as I got ready to leave to travel Columbia with my best friends and continue to heal, expand and grow.

The day before we departed the cops were out looking for me again this time at Stacey’s aunts house and I had my brother urgently needing to talk to me and wouldn’t tell me what he needed over the phone claiming he needed to see me in person and he drove five hours to Saskatoon searching for me claiming he could get me help and bring me to a hospital. I spent hours on the phone with my parent reassuring them I was fine and I couldn’t go back to that life that was killing me. As we left for Columbia Stacey’s Mom paid for my flight and for me for everything whole time I was there. Her and her family always did everything for me including holding me up quite literally while I was leaving my toxic relationship and saving my life. Unfortunately they were made into the villains and I scapegoated them to my whole family never being able to fully stand up to what was going on. In Columbia they were receiving threatening emails from my ex, their pay pal account was hacked, their clients harassed, a rumour was started by my ex that I was raped by Johny while I was in Saskatoon for lux’s birth then gave an std to my ex who I never once cheated on (think of the state of scramble that must be going on is someone’s head to make that up), and a private investigator was about to be looking for me as though I was a missing person and a child and there were worries of me being sold into the sex trade.

For the past 14 months I’ve been scared to share this story and I was scared of my ex so I left the story be completely one sided and scapegoated my friends who were there for me all along. Lies and rumour were spread and I was to scared to stand up. Still to this day I feel shook about the lengths that were taken and the ownership felt over me. Today I take a stand so that this doesn’t happen to any other woman. Instead of how could she leave him like that the better question would have been what could he have done that was so bad that she had to leave like that.

More on this tomorrow.

Written August 5, 2020