August 2, 2020

My first vulnerable share

A VULNERABLE SHARE: Today I am guided to share and be vulnerable about my experiences about this journey we call life I’m here to bring truth with the intention of clearing space while calling myself out to bring balance to this fake life and persona that I've created. Many of you will know different versions of me as I’ve lived a lot of different lives all in one. I’ve been the tantrum filled entitled child, the fuck this world I make my own rules traumatized teenager who's always needed her own way and had such a chip on her shoulder, I’ve been the seductive 18 year old using my body for attention, I’ve been the party girl who blacked out and did horrible things more times then she can remember like telling you off, cheating, and sleeping with my best friend boyfriend, needing all the attention in the room while being sarcastic and mean. I’ve been the mean girl who makes fun of you behind your back and the friend who uses you and steals your clothes. I say I love you and I use you while judging you silently or to your face. I’ve been entitled, mean, arrogant, childlike and self serving. I’ve been the girl who made my friends take care of me with giving nothing in return. I took and did not give. I took on friends personalities, likes, and personas and pretended like they were mine. I became you because I didn’t know or like myself and held onto so much self-rejection. I’ve played the victim not taking any responsibility and scapegoated to many times to count. I’ve also been your yoga teacher and your energy healer teaching information that I learned or stole from my teacher Stacey with no credit. I’m here to take a stand and show up to who I’ve been and finally open my eyes and take off my rose-colore glasses. I’ve blinded myself and completely robbed myself of my own growth and experiences. I’ve always felt stuck in my life because I lacked truth and substance.

My longest friendship and the one who I’ve taken the most from in my sister Stacey. In full truth I’ve always idolized her and have always liked her better then I liked myself in a skewed, jealous, mean girl type of way. I feel in love with her the day I met her. I loved how authentic, kind, playful, fun, bright and creative she was! (is) The little girl within me that I never allowed to be herself was very jealous and never felt like she was good enough or worthy enough so I began to take from her. I started to act like her, dress like her, take on her interests and morph myself into her all while being the entitled mean girl making her feel less then. I had an I’m better then you but I’m not good enough belief system. I became entitled and possessive treating my sister who is my favorite person with so much disrespect and has always taken advantage of her throughout our ten-year friendship. She drove me everywhere, shared clothes, got me a job, invited me into her family, shared her friends, shared what she knows about life and energy, and has saved my life on multiple occasions. She has always been my cheerleader. Never once has she charged me for a life coaching, energy healing, channeling, or training and she opened up her home and family to me and named me her children's godmother. I stole from her in my business, my energy healing, and my yoga teaching never giving any credit to where I got the information from. I’ve always scapegoated her and never given her credit for how much she’s truly helped me throughout my journey especially my journey back to health. I don’t say lightly that she has saved my life on multiple occasions. She has been there for me always and I have scapegoated her to my friends and family and let her take the blame one to many times. She has been a true sister and has shown and taught me what love is though her actions.

I can see how on an energetic level that would be completely depleting her of all of her energy. My energy has always tried to take from her as well as everyone else and I’m not letting that happen any longer as I take a stand to bring balance to our relationship and all other relationships.

I do not judge or blame myself as I know that this was all an experience in learning what love was and wasn’t. I understand that we are all learning from each other in a world that is build upside-down run on skewed belief systems where traumatized people are traumatizing people. I am making the choice to integrate all parts of myself and to heal, forgive and show up differently as it’s all a lesson is self-exploration. How many females are out there stealing from each other? How many full grown men and women are acting like traumatized little boys and girls? How many of us are living fake lives?

My intention for sharing is truth about my relationship with Stacey is to bring balance to the female- female and to heal the sister wound not only for our relationship but for the world so that we are all able to heal on a much deeper level. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you are treating them right. We all need to be honest with ourselves and to humble and heal where we can. It’s all a choice and moment to moment we have the opportunity to show up differently and to learn from our mistakes and experiences.

Humbly,

Erica

August 2, 2020